On Loneliness

I've been doing a lot of thinking about loneliness lately. As a stay-at-home mom, I have no outside employment, so my social group is very small, pretty much just my family and my church family. Don't get me wrong, I have friends--acquaintances, people I'm friends with on Facebook, that I knew in college or that I used to be close friends with but have moved away and we haven't really kept in touch (I'm horrible at long-distance relationships!), neighbors that I greet in passing--but few true best friends, who I can bare my soul to and they reciprocate, who've seen me in the good, the bad, the ugly, who I can talk to about the things that truly matter to me--family, parenting, my relationship with God--without feeling that I'm mentoring them. And no, this isn't a result of Covid-19, though that certainly doesn't help; loneliness has been a lifelong struggle for me.

As a child, it was always difficult for me to feel comfortable around new people, and I was slow to make friends among my peers. In my teenage years, I felt I had little in common with most of my classmates and was jealous of my sisters at how easily they seemed to fit in and how many friends they had at church and school. I remember lying on my bed at times, crying from loneliness, and pretending to hold God's hand because sometimes it felt as if He were my only true friend, the only One Who really understands me inside and out. 

It got better in college--I learned to come out of my shell and invest in the lives of those around me, a prerequisite for making friends--but of course, after college we all went our separate ways and haven't really kept in touch. (I'd like to think that this is their fault as much as mine--they haven't written or called me any more than I have them! 😋) And let's face it, Facebook is great for keeping up with people and what's going on in their lives, but it's not really meant for those heart-to-heart conversations that are such an integral part of true friendship.

But I don't want to give you the wrong idea; I am beyond blessed in that I do have two true best friends-- my husband Jimmy and Jesus Christ. Jimmy is truly my best friend, and I am so grateful for him. He was an answer to prayer, really, at a time in my life when I literally had no life outside of the school where I was teaching, and no friends, period. We met on eHarmony, and honestly, the only reason I signed up on the website was that I wanted someone to talk to, a friend. He has been that to me and more over the years. He is the perfect opposite to me, calming me down when I get overexcited, helping me see the solution when the problem feels overwhelming, reining in my tendency to overcommit myself, while in return, I've introduced him to reading for pleasure (being dyslexic, he only read what he had to before he met me; now he's an avid audiobook listener), encouraged him when he's felt down or depressed, and been his sounding board for ideas. We've seen each other at our worst, and yet neither of us has ever tried to throw in the towel or back away; giving up on each other is not an option. Instead, we buckle down and work harder on our relationship until we get it right. 

As close as I am to my husband, that can't even compare to the friendship I have with Jesus. In fact, the nearness of Christ is one of my favorite things about being a Christian and a child of God. In the times when I have felt my loneliest, He is always there to pick me up and hold me close. He knows me better than I even know myself (Psalm 139), and He loves me anyway! When I feel dissatisfied with the lack of grownup people to talk to at times, I am able to rest in His plan for me right now and take comfort in the knowledge that Jesus faced loneliness, too, during His earthly ministry, so He knows exactly how I feel sometimes. 

Think about it: even with twelve disciples--three of whom were His closest friends--He was surrounded by people who didn't really understand Him or His mission. Talk about lonely! When He was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, facing the greatest struggle of His earthly life, His friends were too tired to stay awake and support Him. I don't know about you, but in His shoes, I think I would have felt at least a little hurt and disappointed that my friends couldn't help me when I needed it most. And then to be betrayed by one of His own friends! And finally, the ultimate loneliness--to be shunned by God the Father when Jesus bore our sins on the cross, prompting His heartbreaking cry, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46) 

Yes, when I'm at my lowest, Jesus definitely knows how I feel.

So, what do I do when I'm struggling with loneliness? 

Well, first I remind myself of what I have to be thankful for--the friends and family I have that love me and support me, even if we don't see each other as much as I'd like, and, most importantly, the God Who loves me even more and is always there when I need Him. Taking time to be grateful gets my attention off of myself and keeps me from descending into a nonstop pity party. (A little is one thing, but nonstop? Sheesh! Who wants that?!?)

It also helps to write down how I'm feeling; there's a catharsis in getting it all out. Studying my Bible reminds me that I'm not the first child of God to struggle with loneliness (Adam, Joseph, David and Elijah all come to mind), and I very likely won't be the last. In fact, the Christian life is one that can be very lonely at times, especially if we are surrounded by people who do not share our faith or values; knowing that I'm not alone in this struggle is wonderfully comforting.

And finally, I try to find ways to get out of myself, invest more in the lives of others. I've found that
when I start feeling lonely and distanced from others, it's usually because I've allowed my world to get very small and self-centered, and I'm not involving myself with other people's needs and concerns as much. So I might call a friend that I'd like to build a deeper relationship with and ask if she'd like to get together soon to visit and talk with each other, maybe have lunch or go walking together. Or I might look around my community and see where I could possibly volunteer and help others who need help. Reaching into other people's lives to make a meaningful difference helps me focus on others and not myself, and that's always a positive, uplifting thing. 

These days, with all the quarantining and social distancing everywhere, it can seem harder than ever to connect to other people, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. We just have to work a little harder and be more creative about it. But really, is that such a bad thing? Being intentional about our relationships with others forces us to put more care into them and keeps us from getting into a rut, dangerous for any relationship. And no matter how busy I get, God faithfully reminds me that there's always time to give of myself to others.