His Strength Is Perfect
It started during Spring Break when I was on choir tour; one morning on the bus, I found that my hands suddenly just gave out. I couldn't pick up anything, couldn't open anything, couldn't hold anything. It was like there was no strength in them anymore, and I had no idea why.
For the rest of that week, I was dependent on my friends to help me get dressed and do my hair. I found that if I paced myself, I could use silverware and feed myself, but I couldn't open bottles of water or grip anything heavier than a fork. I read my Bible a lot because it was the only book I could lay open on my lap. Fortunately, not being able to use my hands didn't affect my performance in the choir, but I spent a lot of time on the bus doing something I had never really done before--nothing!
We returned to college the next week, and my mom came down to visit and take me to the doctor. The good news? It wasn't carpal-tunnel syndrome and didn't require surgery to fix. Instead, a combination of pinched nerves in my wrists and overworked muscles in my shoulders and arms had created the problem. A few months of physical therapy should get me back to normal. For me that was the bad news--it would take a few months before I was back to normal. I'm an impatient person; of course, I was ready to be back to normal immediately!
In the months that followed, a friend drove me to physical therapy in the next town over twice a week, and I slowly adjusted to my new reality, but I didn't like it. To say I was frustrated would be putting it mildly! Here I was in college, where you have to take notes and write papers on an almost daily basis, and I couldn't even manage to work a pen! My job as a custodian required me to sweep and mop, things I could do more easily since it didn't require fine motor control, but I still had to pace myself because my arms tired quickly. In fact, it astonished me to realize how many things I couldn't do because I no longer had the strength to control the muscles necessary.
Through it all, my friends were a constant help, offering to write my papers as I dictated them, helping me with my hair in the mornings, driving me to therapy, and just generally being willing to aid me with anything I couldn't do myself. But inwardly, I gritted my teeth. I hated being so dependent on other people. I hated not being in control of my own life. I spent a lot of time asking God, "Why? Why did You take away the thing I need the most in college--my hands? I don't understand, God! Why?"
My lowest moment came one afternoon about two weeks (or so) into my ordeal. I had finished work that afternoon and felt exhausted. I sat down to supper and discovered, to my horror, that I couldn't even pick up my fork to eat! I was on the verge of tears when my sister, who was sitting next to me, noticed my distress, picked up my food and ordered me to follow her. I didn't know what she was planning, but I obeyed. We went into the kitchen, then back to the bathroom used by employees, and there, where no one could see my humiliation, my younger sister fed me my supper. It was the most awful thing for my pride, but at the same time, I was humbled and awed by Jenny's compassion and understanding of what I needed in that moment and so very appreciative of her kindness, that I cried anyway.
Shortly after this, in the midst of one of my complaining sessions with God, the Lord suddenly brought to my mind a poem I had memorized in high school, "On His Blindness" by John Milton.
When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodg'd with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide,
"Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?"
I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies: "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts: who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed
And post o'er land and ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and wait."
It is generally believed that Milton wrote this poem at the age of 44 when he, the great poet and writer, had become completely blind. I could well imagine his frustration at losing his eyesight--I was experiencing something similar myself--and for the first time I was able to gain perspective on my condition. Instead of complaining to God about the loss of my hands, I started asking Him, "Lord, what do You want me to learn from this?" I started thanking Him for the use of my other faculties and for so many other blessings, and my attitude changed. I read the poem almost daily and repeated the lines to myself, especially that last one: "They also serve who only stand and wait." Fine, I thought, I am learning to stand and wait. That's a good thing to learn.
By the time school ended for the year and I headed home for the summer, my hands had returned almost completely to normal, but it's not quite the same as it was before. Even now I still have to pace myself; there are certain things I cannot do for long periods of time--crocheting, writing, typing--without taking frequent breaks and rests (most of my blogs are written over a two-day period for this very reason--not for lack of words, but lack of strength). Through it all, I have learned to trust God and His plan for me. I have learned that it is okay to ask for help--I don't have to do it all by myself. I have learned that things don't have to be done exactly the way I want them to be done; as long as the job is finished, that is what matters (important when teaching children to do chores 😉). And I have learned that even if I never fully understand why God chose for me to go through this experience, that's okay--if I drew closer to Him as a result of it, then it was worth it after all. And maybe that was the very reason I had to go through it.
I wonder if God does not allow such times of weakness to come into His children's lives precisely so they can learn to depend on Him more? I love the passage in II Corinthians 12 where Paul talks about his own experiences with weakness:
"...I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. ....Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Another passage I have come away with a new understanding of is I Corinthians 1:25-31:
"For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. therefore, as it is written: 'Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.'"
My message to you, my reader, in all of this is simple: If you are facing a time of weakness or disability, trial or hardship, don't despair! Don't waste your time railing at God and questioning His will; instead, accept it. Accept that you, too, are not above hardship, and believe that whatever you are going through is a part of His plan...and His plans for us are always for our good (Jeremiah 29:11). Take the opportunity to spend more time drawing closer to Him in prayer and Bible study--you'll never regret that decision! And trust that one day--though it may not be until we are in Heaven--you will understand it all much better and will be able to see how His strength is made perfect in our weakness. God bless you, my friend!
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